Friday, October 23, 2009

You're sitting in a the sky!

This is Louis CK from an appearance on Conan. He is one funny dude.

My friend MK sent this to me months ago, and it's just been waiting patiently for me to share it with you.

I flew to Tampa, FL, two weeks ago for a trade show. If you want a true appreciation of how much we expect, the sense of entitlement we've bestowed upon ourselves, simply fly by yourself to a city you've never been before. Here's how myfirst day played out.....
  1. I loaded my car and drove to a parking area near the airport where a man I've never met before picked up my luggage and transported me and my luggage to the American Airlines check in counter.

  2. At the check in counter, two guys I've never met before looked at a paper print-out I brought from my office. They picked up my bag, put some magic numbers on it and put it on a conveyor belt. I didn't see the bag again until Tampa.

  3. Inside the airport, a lady I've never met before scanned a barcode on my piece of paper and let me get on a plane, where a man I've never met before flew the air... from Dallas, TX, to Tampa, FL. And while we flew, a nice lady I had never met before served me ice cold Diet Cokes.

  4. At the Tampa airport, my luggage miraculously appeared before my eyes on a conveyor belt.

  5. After collecting my luggage, I took it outside, where a guy I've never met before loaded me and my luggage into a yellow car, and took us both to the Intercontinental Hotel. By the way, I had no idea whatsoever of the address of the hotel.

  6. When I got there, I handed my drivers license and a piece of plastic to a woman I've never met before. And she gave me a nice safe place to sleep and a place to hang my clothes.
Are you getting this? I went, by myself, all the way across the country and slept in a room with nice fluffy pillows, armed only with my drivers license, a print-out from Orbitz, a credit card, and a handful of dollar bills for tips and taxi.

I didn't know a single soul who helped me that day, but I expected nonetheless that each of those strangers would perform his or her function and my trip would go off without a hitch, which it did.

What a remarkable world we live in!!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Clorox Wipes and Lysol and Potty Covers....oh my!

We have this woman in our office who never fails to amaze me when she sneezes. She lets loose a full blown, snot flying ACHOO-echoing kind of sneeze. I've seen her stifle them in meetings, so I know she's physically capable of doing so. In general, when this woman sneezes, everyone hears it. And many in adjacent areas feel it.

There is no attempt to cover the sneeze or to come out with some little delicate "ah-choo" (or the "study hall sneeze" as my little sister used to call it). It's a big ugly nasty, loud, snotty affair.

I've been quite put out by this for the entire time we've worked together, but I can't really figure out a way to bring it to her attention that it's totally offensive to those of us who office near her to hear her shout ACHOO and see her blow spittle across the office without sounding snarky.

So I was a little shocked today when I walked into the ladies room in front of her. I headed in to my designated stall (yes, I have a favorite) and heard her file into a stall just down the row. At that point, the Toilet Cover Rustle began. You know the one - I've got to fish this potty cover out of its tissue box home and spread it on the potty so I can sit down on it. Rustle, tug, tug, rustle, spread, rustle.


Let me make sure I understand this. The SNEEZER is worried about germs?

Trust me lady - my booty cooties ain't got nothing on your lung butter.

If you're so worried about germs, try sneezing into the crook of your arm. Or perhaps a tissue. Make an effort to protect us from your germs. Or for the love of all that's holy, don't attempt to protect yourself from ours.

It seems a bit out of line for me to point out to her that she's spreading a lot more germs when she sneezes than she's protecting herself from when she uses a potty cover. Maybe I just need to work on my delivery a little. Subtletly has never been my strong suit.

SNEEZER, if you somehow got ahold of this post and it hurt your feelings - so sorry. My bad. Someone should have pointed out to you gently a long time ago how bad it is to sneeze uncovered, especially in the land of Swine Flu and The Hygenically Correct. It's nasty. It's unsanitary. It's offensive. And it hurts your credibility as a professional.

In the meantime, I'm really glad to know you won't be picking up any nasty germs on your on your lady parts. We, on the other hand, will be walking around with your snot in our hair. Thanks a bunch for that.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009 anyone there??

Dear Right Brain,

Hey. I know you've had a rough summer, and I've tried to cut you some slack. Quite frankly, I feel like I've filled in the blanks pretty well. After all, I've kept up with all the scheduling tasks for the past three months. The bills have been paid on time. You and your family have gotten where they are supposed to be at the time they were supposed to be there - that's including soccer practice, soccer games, radiation treatments, doctors appointments, PTA meetings, boys day out, work, school, travel. Prescription medications were taken on time by the appropriate family member. Pets have received heartworm medication. The grocery list has magically appeared each week. And you know what? I'm freakin' done for awhile.

You have been curled up under your desk in your mental fetal position for long enough. You've not published a blog in weeks. You're not decorating cakes. You've not made a necklace in heaven only knows how long. It's time you just get over yourself. Put your big girl panties on and get back here and blog, for the love of all that is holy.

Some of your friends have been understated in their desire to see an update; some have been more outspoken. Regardless, this is your gig, not mine, so pull yourself together, sister.


Left Brain