Thursday, October 22, 2009

Clorox Wipes and Lysol and Potty Covers....oh my!

We have this woman in our office who never fails to amaze me when she sneezes. She lets loose a full blown, snot flying ACHOO-echoing kind of sneeze. I've seen her stifle them in meetings, so I know she's physically capable of doing so. In general, when this woman sneezes, everyone hears it. And many in adjacent areas feel it.

There is no attempt to cover the sneeze or to come out with some little delicate "ah-choo" (or the "study hall sneeze" as my little sister used to call it). It's a big ugly nasty, loud, snotty affair.

I've been quite put out by this for the entire time we've worked together, but I can't really figure out a way to bring it to her attention that it's totally offensive to those of us who office near her to hear her shout ACHOO and see her blow spittle across the office without sounding snarky.

So I was a little shocked today when I walked into the ladies room in front of her. I headed in to my designated stall (yes, I have a favorite) and heard her file into a stall just down the row. At that point, the Toilet Cover Rustle began. You know the one - I've got to fish this potty cover out of its tissue box home and spread it on the potty so I can sit down on it. Rustle, tug, tug, rustle, spread, rustle.


Let me make sure I understand this. The SNEEZER is worried about germs?

Trust me lady - my booty cooties ain't got nothing on your lung butter.

If you're so worried about germs, try sneezing into the crook of your arm. Or perhaps a tissue. Make an effort to protect us from your germs. Or for the love of all that's holy, don't attempt to protect yourself from ours.

It seems a bit out of line for me to point out to her that she's spreading a lot more germs when she sneezes than she's protecting herself from when she uses a potty cover. Maybe I just need to work on my delivery a little. Subtletly has never been my strong suit.

SNEEZER, if you somehow got ahold of this post and it hurt your feelings - so sorry. My bad. Someone should have pointed out to you gently a long time ago how bad it is to sneeze uncovered, especially in the land of Swine Flu and The Hygenically Correct. It's nasty. It's unsanitary. It's offensive. And it hurts your credibility as a professional.

In the meantime, I'm really glad to know you won't be picking up any nasty germs on your on your lady parts. We, on the other hand, will be walking around with your snot in our hair. Thanks a bunch for that.


Shelly said...

"booty cooties ain't got nothing on your lung butter". OMG! FUNNIEST SHIT I HAVE READY IN A LONG TIME. MIGHT MAKE A T-SHIRT.

Big Al said...

Ok. I am a loud sneezer. I'm expelling all the evil stuff and can't do it quietly. I just don't trust someone who sneezes like a bird. Tew, tew. Give me a break. Let it out.

Chad and Mary Kate Martin said...

I am with Shelly -- bootie cootie and lung butter -- I am crying from that...I may have to share that line with a gal I know a few offices down! :)

M--- said...

Ah, Lady Steele, how I've missed thee! Rare form, my dear, rare form...and I L-O-V-E it!!