My spam filter, my friend

We have a spam filter at work to help cut down on the total crap we get through our email system. I always take the time to go through what gets caught there, because inevitably, one of my clients emails me and their note gets stuck in cyberspace.

I am alternately enraged and entertained by what I get via email from the scumbag spam masters who clearly don't speak English. Here are just a few real live subject lines, verbatim from my spam filter this morning, along with my thoughts.

Lost your libido and strength? We will help you look for it! Really? Wouldn’t it be more effective if you help me find it instead of just helping me look for it?

Aid your darling sexual times. Darling kittens I get. Darling puppies I get. Darling sexual times? Not so much!

We know the method to get rid of even the most destroying ache. Yeah, me, too. I’m thinking it’s a better spam filter!

We have inexpensive medicine from every illness. From, not for. Morons.

Uplift your belove night adventures. What is a belove night adventure and how do I know if I have one?

You feel like your little friend is a real dengerate? No, not my little one, but maybe my big one.

Barak caught nude. Good gawd, y’all! You think POTUS actually takes a shower in the buff?

Ascent your sweet sexuality. Not accent, mind you. Ascent.

You will like the quality of our soft, but moreover you will like the prices. Well, of course, if you’re going for soft, you'd better get your money's worth.

Revew your masculinity for yourself, for her and for your love. Is “her” also your love or do you have two “hers?” Or maybe a “her” and a “him?” Hard to tell from this. Really.

Enlarging your male instrument means winning a war. Hmm. Hadn’t really considered that a man’s sexual organ has anything at all to do with men and women fighting and dying.

The lack of confidence in men is a real turn-off for every woman. Oh yeah, baby. I like my men to be total arrogant jerks. Forget those sensitive, understanding, caring, loving guys. Wussies.

Hoist your sweet sexual times. Hoist, like using a pulley? Is there heavy machinery involved?

Could go foreverv. Write your own joke.

Never half-staying in bed. Far better to be half-falling out??

Wanna be a big sized guy? No, I’m much happier being a girl, but thanks.

You might not have gold in your wallet buy you will have gold on your wrist. Gold? Who needs it? I have plastic!

When you wish to feel like a man, nothing will stand on your way. Poor way! You think it hurts bad when you stand on it?

Be cool and be trendy, be a man that looks like candy. Nothing says big handsome stud like a peppermint patty.

This crysis never ends. I couldn’t have said it better myself.