Wednesday, April 01, 2009

My exciting Wednesday

I thought of all sorts of fun things to tell you today, since I had plenty of time to think while I waited at one medical office or another.

My day started at the foot doctor for some hocus pocus foot therapy. During therapy, no one turns the lights down low and speaks in a soothing voice, encouraging my foot to just let go. Nope, there is a fancy contraption with magic suction cups attached to my foot. For 30 minutes, the machine zaps me while I sit there feeling silly. After my appointment, I have two big hickies on my foot where the suction cups were attached. That's about it. On the upside, one of the techs told me today that most patients feel better after therapy at least three times a week for three weeks.

My next stop was the annual gyno appointment. I won't trouble you with the details of that one, except to say that when you're over 40, they begin to screen for indicators of colon cancer. Oh, joy. Use your imagination, folks, and write your own joke here.

LittleG was the guest of honor at our next stop. Dr. Bob the pediatric dentist filled cavities for her for the first time. We were told not to tell her about the appointment since the dentist has his own words for things like shots and x-rays, so I basically did a drop-and-run, then spent the next 45 minutes feeling like Questionable Parent of the Year.

Back to school for LittleG after a stop for ice cream, because she couldn't eat, and her appointment was scheduled....wait for lunchtime. So not only did I leave my five year old unattended for a procedure she was unprepared for, but then I fed her ice cream for lunch. Get your ballots ready, friends.

And the last appointment today was the best. Just the best. I got a root canal. And a new crown. Regretfully, on two different teeth, in places far enough away that I had to get a whole round of numbing shots for each location! It's two times the fun!

This is not the first time at the rodeo for Dr. W, and he knew he'd have to get me all liquored up. Bring on the nitrous, folks. What should have taken an hour and a half actually took almost three full hours. I have a teeny tiny mouth, and the only thing holding it open at the end was a little rubber block thingy that Dr. W shoved in my mouth. My jaws both hurt, and the anesthesia is wearing off, so the crown site is now throbbing. On the upside, the front tooth is still numb, so I'm happy to say I can not feel the drool dripping down my face.

So during my extended stay at Casa Nitrous Oxide, I came up with lots and lots of interesting things. Think about it - nitrous flowing so fast that your brain cells begin to float, three hours lying back quietly in a chair, and so much junk in your mouth that you could not possibly speak to another human being. All of those words, and no way to share them! It's like a timeout on steroids. I came up with a slew of funny phrases, the perfect words to paint the picture of my day. Sadly, I cannot remember one of them. And Dr. W, as much as I tried, would not give me nitrous to go. The man has no soul.

I have had my tylenol with codeine, and as soon as I get LittleG in the bed, I am going to have myself another one, perhaps with a merlot chaser, and I'm off to bed myself.

I'm hoping tomorrow will bring a new blog, full of humor and emotion. But frankly, I'll be happy if I can get a day free of medical offices and co-pays.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You are hilarious!