Sunday, August 03, 2008

Zoey 201, Starring Jamie Lynn Spears

Ok, I’m going to crawl up on my high horse and rant for a while about this. Give me a break, will you? I have a daughter who is thankfully too young to understand or be affected by the recent stupidity of Jamie Lynn Spears and her handlers. My kid’s been insulated thus far, but thousand of others have not. For that, I have deemed Zoey, her mother, and those idiots at Nickelodeon rant worthy this week.

With the future of the Zoey 101 series in question after the show’s 16 year old star managed to get herself knocked up, the writers have pitched their new show ideas for the 2008 fall season. Check them out here!

Zoey 201
Episode 1 – Spring Dance!
As the 2008 Spring Formal approaches, Zoey is devastated to learn that she can’t squeeze into her brand new White House Black Market Evora Cocktail dress. Turns out that size zero doesn’t really work when your baby bump finally pops. And worse than that, she can no longer wear her adorable shoes and has to shove her fat feet into flip-flops and hope that her ankles don’t swell before fourth period.

Episode 2 – Baby Got Back!
Zoey is perplexed by the changes in her body, but she loves her new curves! Her boobs are huge now, which Casey the baby daddy just loves. That ship has sailed my friend. No huggy, no kissee, until she gets a weddin’ ring.

Episode 3 – And Baby Makes Three
Zoey and her entourage are in line at Starbucks when her water breaks, sending them all scrambling to the hospital. Zoey, who has been worried about getting ink in the national tabloids, hasn’t even finished her childbirth classes! Ill prepared for the miracle of birth, she can hardly believe the explanation she gets when she asks what an episiotomy is.

Episode 4 – Forever is an Awfully Long Time
Zoey and her baby daddy bring their little bundle of joy home to their gazillion dollar mansion, cleverly evading the paparazzi by having Hannah Montana make a surprise appearance at the hospital. Their happiness is short lived, however, when they discover that their little bundle of joy requires some level of parental involvement. You know, the 24/7 kind – diapers, food, lullabies, clothing, shelter, nurturing, and on and on and on.

Episode 5 – The True Price of Happiness
Diapers and onesies and bottles, oh my! Zoey learns the hard way how much a baby can cost when she finds out she’s got to give up her Blackberry so she can pay for diapers. Aw, Zoey. Sucks to be you! You should have thought of this before banging your boyfriend before you were old enough to drive legally, and for being foolish enough to get caught in a big way. No pun intended.

Episode 6 – The Hostile Takeover
Since Zoey’s big sis has been in so much trouble, Zoey’s Daddy has been appointed to oversee her finances and keep her life in check. Zoey’s mom has been running the show, and she has clearly made some REALLY stupid choices. The court appoints Daddy to oversee Zoey’s affairs. Too bad Daddy wasn’t in charge when Mom decided to turn Zoey’s pregnancy and subsequent delivery into a media circus, complete with front cover tabloid coverage. Will Daddy’s involvement bring the family closer together or tear them apart? Tune in to see!

Episode 7 – Season Finale – Goin’ to the Chapel
After the first exhausting weeks at home with their spawn, Zoey and her baby daddy decide to take the plunge. Zoey is so excited because she just knows that being married is going to be the best!!! All her problems will be solved and she will be in love forever. Having a baby may be hard, but when they get married, everything will be easier! Join Zoey as she shops for mommy-and-me wedding attire and plans every excruciating detail of her magical day. This episode brought to you by the good folks at OK Magazine, David’s Bridal, and Pampers.

Next season, on Zoey 201, the first year, things get touchy at home as the happy couple and their baby grow up together. Zoey, our new Mrs. Baby Daddy, battles with her nannies – the one her dad hired to take care of her, and the one she hired for her own child. Watch as her parents fight to see who can pimp her out for their own personal gain. Don’t miss a single exciting moment!

I have to say that this isn’t aimed at Jamie Lynn. She’s just a young, dumb kid who made some bad choices, and found herself pregnant at 16. I applaud her for the decision she made not to end her pregnancy, because, truly, that would have been the easy way out. For everyone, I guess, except her baby.

The real targets of this rant are Jamie Lynn’s mother, Lynne, and the folks over at Nick. When she found out Jamie Lynne was pregnant, Lynne should have taken her immediately out of the spotlight. Instead of taking her to some nice quiet place to give birth and raise her child, Lynne turned her daughter’s illegitimate pregnancy into a media event.

When news of the pending arrival made it to Nick, instead of sending a very clear message to teens everywhere that teenage pregnancy is NOT ok, the studio hoo hahs issued a statement that they stand behind her. They even kept her show on the air. Why take this chance to send a moral message to the teens of this nation when instead you can continue to milk your cash cow for all it’s worth?

Shame on Lynne, and shame on Nick for the way they handled this. Let's face it - kids are going to mess up. Lord knows I made my share of bad choices back in the day. But I didn't do it in the public eye, and the folks who took care of me certainly didn't air my dirty laundry on the front cover of OK Magazine and on the airwaves.

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