Monday, July 21, 2008

Meditation? I think NOT!

A trusted advisor recently suggested that perhaps some meditation might do my soul some good. Please note that says meditation, not medication, which I really think would be a better bet. But I digress.

So, following the lead of my trusted advisor, I ordered Shakti Gawain's Creative Visualization Meditations on CD from our friends at “Great news!” my email proclaims! The CD is in stock and will be sent immediately!

I eagerly await my new CD as surely the mere action of downloading such powerful meditations onto my iPod would bring about a new, Zen-like calmness.

After a week or so of increasingly more urgent desires to be peaceful in my soul, I jump on to Amazon to check the status of my order. Because as we all know, just because they say it will ship doesn't really mean it will ship. Lo and behold, my Amazon profile shows that the CD was delivered to my office by JR's Courier Service. At 8:00........P.M....... on June 30.

A reminder for those of you who work from home, or anyone who has never worked at or driven past a corporate America office building, there's not really ANYONE AT THE OFFICE TO ACCEPT A PACKAGE AT 8:00 P.M.

I take a deep, cleansing breath, and call our friends at Which is no small effort, since you won't find a customer service phone number very easily online. But again, I digress.

Our friends over at helped, though, and soon enough I was connected to a great guy who called himself Ted. Technically, I'm pretty sure Ted's real name was something like Rashid or Farhan or Saeed, but since I'm such an ugly American, he dumbed it down for me.

I explained my situation to Ted, and he proceeded to use his best meditative voice and tell me that my package had indeed been delivered. Says so right there, at 8:00 pm on June 30. Clearly, Ted has that whole long distance thing working for him, so I am not able to punch him in the nose.

I try not to sound like a psychopathic killer when I request calmly that he track down JR (whoever the hell he is), and ask for signature proof of delivery. At that point, Ted's manager, Bob, who is spying on our call with his manager button, uses sign language to tell Ted that he would be better off just shipping me a new CD because he's pretty sure his continent is really not that far from the US after all.

Ted mythically changes his mind and tells me, Miss Gar-sha, that he will indeed ship me a new one right away. At no charge whatsoever to me. Good thinking, Ted, and thanks, Bob, for the help.

The very next day, our friends from UPS show up with a fresh new package from, which coincidentally has a warehouse close enough for me to see from my office window. Good job, guys in brown!

I open my new package, fingers trembling with the energy field from my soul. Or maybe the quad venti iced latte, hard to tell. I open the package, check out the jewel case, and my heart actually skips a beat. Or maybe doubles up. Whatever it was, it was not fun. And the cause of my discomfort???......

The genius who is Shakti Gawain (but please call her Cindy), has packaged her CD in a jewel case with the covers reversed. That’s right campers. An item that’s aimed at high strung, neurotic, OCD types has a front cover that faces upright, and a back cover that is upside down. It just keeps getting better!

I feel my blood pressure begin to rise and decide this is not a good way to start. But, I’m not about to call Ted again and ask for my money back, so I plug that sucker in and dump it into iTunes. I synch my iPod and find a quiet place to contemplate harmony in the universe.

May have been bad judgment on my part, but I decided the most peaceful place I could be is prone on my bed with the lights out and the ceiling fan blowing.

I hook up the ear pods, push the button, and stomach the intro about how I will find the fulfillment I’ve been looking for by utilizing daily meditations and tapping into the strength of my energy field. At this point, Cindy loses me because she shouldn’t use the word “utilizing” when “using” will work just fine.

I suck it up and get past her poor word choice when she launches into the Grounding Yourself technique. I’m paraphrasing here, but she basically tells me to imagine two energy fields, one coming up from the ground and one coming down from the sky, converging in the center of my being, flooding me with powerful, relaxing energy, connecting my inner soul to all things that are right and good in the world.

Didn’t I just use words like high strung and neurotic? In my world, the two energy forces don’t converge in my center. They run head on into each other and explode, spewing little cosmic pieces of my innards all over my psyche.

At that point, I make the mental call to suffer through this for a few more minutes and if Cindy doesn’t bring it around for me, I’m through. Two hours later, MrG wakes me up and takes my iPod away.

So I decide a couple days later that Cindy needs another chance. I get settled, again in the bed with the lights off and fans on, and search to find the tranquility in my spirit. I get past the exploding innards thing and decide that Cindy might be on to something. She leads me gently through some deep breaths and introduces the Pink Bubble technique.

That’s as far as I get, folks, when MrG comes in again (damn him, can’t he find another room to sleep in??), and takes my iPod away from me. This time, he doesn’t wake me, because he can’t. Whatever is in Cindy’s pink bubbles, it’s sure as hell doing the trick for me.

The jury is out right now on whether I give Cindy another chance or not. I’m sort of sorry to admit that I’ve not even made it to the halfway point of my Creative Meditations. Apparently, if I keep trying I’m going to open my energy centers, do some affirmations, and take a deep relaxation journey…..I’m getting sleepy just thinking about it.

We kind of got off to a rough start, Cindy and me, but I’m glad I gave her a second chance. I might just give her a third shot. At the very least, I’ve gotten two really good nights of sleep out of the deal…..

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