I am so torn up about the turnout of my season on The Bachelor. All along, I got to know these 25 beautiful women and to explore their many assets – some of them very, very deeply.
I knew going in to the Rose Ceremony that Melissa was the one for me forever and ever. And that slut Deyawna’s visit just made it all the more clear to me. So I cut Molly loose and cried like a baby, tears and snot falling down over the balcony of my multi-million dollar bachelor pad.
I recovered somehow, probably with the help of my super shiny suit, and made it to proposal alley. Melissa looked radiant and my heart filled with joy as she agreed to make me the happiest man on TV.
But sometime after I proposed, it became so clear to me that Melissa – who obviously loves me with every cell in her body and shows it by running with glee to me and throwing her legs around my waist as her extra special greeting – she’s just NOT the one.
I’m just not that into her.
I’ll tell you who I am that into – and that’s Molly. Clearly, SHE is the one for me. Yeah, I get it that before I knew she wasn’t. But now I know she is.
So, I’m faced with a choice. Do I give Melissa a quick heads up before the After the Final Rose Ceremony show that I’m going to dump her like a hot potato? Or maybe I pull a “Matt & Shane” and make nicey nice throughout the show, wait for a polite week or two, then dump her?
Or maybe, just maybe, I can do it on national TV! Yes, the blindside, as witnessed by OHCH and all of America. Eureka! That’s it! This will be even better than breaking up in a fancy restaurant. I know for sure she won’t misbehave in front of millions of viewers. Well, maybe only that one time when she called me a bastard. But whatever.
I will always have that extra Break the Bride’s Heart on National TV bonus from my contract to keep me warm on those lonely nights when Molly is out partying with her girlfriends.
I am terribly worried about tonight’s After The Final Rose Ceremony, Part 2. These girls are going to eat me alive, especially when they find out that since Molly and I hooked back up that I’ve changed my mind AGAIN and will be asking Jillian tonight for “just one more shot.” Because I'm pretty sure now that SHE is the one.
I’m a big huge tool, and I pimped my son out on national TV, all in search of a wife. I hope they go easy on me tonight, and I wonder if OHCH will let me be the very first to have my own The Bachelor Sequel show.
Oh Dear Diary, what is a boy to do?