Sunday, March 08, 2009

The thing about thongs

I remember with some degree of discomfort the day I finally solved the VPL - Visible Panty Line - dilemma. I was in high school and had been wrestling with how, exactly, I was supposed to cram my size five body into a size three pair of jeans and look halfway decent at all with those big ugly panty lines messing up my rear end.

Keep in mind, dear reader, that I am a child of the 1980s, and underwear options were considerably more limited back in the day. It was all good though, because we had big fancy hair to distract from our panty lines.

When I say we had limited underwear choices, I mean there were only two - full coverage, or total commando. I never made the jump to total commando, but I admit to trying the self inflicted wedgie on more than one occasion, because sometimes a girl just has to look goooooood.

Regretfully, that doesn't often happen for the size five girl crammed into the size three jeans, but that's another blog. Anyway.....

Thank heavens, underwear technology has advanced and we have all sorts of choices now. Today's young ladies can choose from seamless undies and boyshorts, hipsters, cheeksters, and bikinis.

But the mother of all VPL prevention units is the Thong.

The American Heritage Dictionary defines a thong as, "A garment for the lower body that exposes the buttocks, consisting of a narrow strip of fabric that passes between the thighs supported by a waistband."

Lady Steele defines a thong as "the weirdest undies EVER."

Highly functional, no doubt, but weird nonetheless.

There are all sorts of thongs - lace ones and ruffledy ones, microfiber and cotton ones, fishnet ones, and even silk chiffon ones. There are thongs for little skinny girls and thongs for their full figured sisters.

Some dude named Sisco even wrote a song about thongs.

Thongs are odd little undergarmets, and they are quite interesting. While researching the humble thong, I came upon some fascinating stories.

Did you know a woman sued Victoria's Secret when she was injured by an errant decoration from a thong?
Woman Sues Victoria's Secret.

Recently, an army deserter was arrested in Colorado, and he was found wearing a thong under his boxer shorts. Sometimes, a boy just wants to feel pretty.
An Army Man and his Thong.

I don't know what it is about the boys in Colorado, but these two geniuses used women's thong underwear to cover their faces while they robbed a convenience store.
Thong Bandits.

There is an actual membership organization for women who "fight frump" by wearing thongs. It boasts 2,000 members in 150 chapters in the US and abroad. Don't believe me? Check it out yourself here:
Blue Thong Society. You have to see it to believe it.

So you think you want to make the jump and give the thong a try? Here are just a few words of wisdom, from a girl who made the switch.....

Enlist the help of a friendly salesperson when buying your first thong. The only thing more uncomfortable than a thong that fits well is a thong that doesn't.

Wash your thongs in cold water, with gentle detergent or lingerie wash. That will extend their life, help them keep their shape, and keep them pretty.

If you are married to, sleeping with, or hang out with either an army deserter or a stupid crook, keep your thongs hidden so your unmentionables don't end up as a news story.

And finally, this one is important girls, so listen up.

When you find that perfect thong - you know, the one that's so comfortable that you barely even know you're wearing it - be absolutely, positively sure that you pull it down BEFORE you avail yourself of the facilities in the ladies room. Just trust me on that one.

1 comment:

Chad and Mary Kate Martin said...

ROLLING! So funny -- love it!!!