Happy Birthday Barbie

Happy Birthday Barbie! You’re turning 50 years old today, and I understand from my friendly neighborhood news anchor that there are now more Barbies in the US than there are actual people. That certainly holds true at Casa Garcia, where at last count, you had us by a margin of about 7:1.

I am concerned, though, at two of your latest Collection offerings, the Black Canary Barbie® Doll, and Totally Stylin Tattoos Barbie®. The Black Canary (shown here) is allegedly crafted after a DC Comics superhero of the same name. I’m not buying that – she just looks like a cheap hooker to me.

How in the world am I supposed to explain to my five year old why she can’t wear her leather high rise panties and fish net pantyhose to Sunday School? Barbie’s wearing them, after all…..

And from the Are You Freaking Kidding Me files, the Totally Stylin Tattoos Barbie…..or as LittleG says, Tattoon Barbie.

Tattoon Barbie comes with her own selection of tattoons and a tattoon stamper. Now your daughter can tattoon away with her little friends on their Saturday afternoon play date.

Give Barbie the butterfly she’s always dreamed of on the top of her left hand, or flip her over and stick that stripper tat in the small of her back, just like the real ho’s do. And just in case your kid wants to emulate her favorite toy, Mattel is kind enough to provide temporary tattoos.....What in the world are the toy execs thinking??

Anyway, Barbie, it’s been a great run for you. You’ve worn a million different outfits and held almost as many jobs, and you’ve still got that fabulous figure. I hear that Ken’s back in the picture again after a brief separation. As a (very busy!) working girl, you’ve kept yourself in the lifestyle to which you’ve become accustomed…..homes, cars, pets, you’ve got it all.

So, happy 50th, Miss Thang.

PS - for the benefit of the Mattel lawyers, Barbie, her image, her name, and her riduculous marketing copy, are the intellectual property of Mattel. Sue me, I dare you, cause all you're gonna get from me is a stack of naked Barbies......